Just a few thoughts....

Being the wife of a seminarian is something that is so hard to explain. For those of you who are married to life time students will understand what I mean without any further explinations. I love my husband and I am very happily married. However, if I was told five years ago my future I probably would not have believed it.

This past year has been one that is so hard to explain. My family and I lived in the town of Olathe in Kansas. We moved there because we had no where else to go. My husband finished his program at TEDS in Deerfield IL, but was not accepted into a PHD program. We really wondered for a long time if pursuing a PHD was what he needed to do. The year that we lived in Olathe was one filled with many tears and prayers. I remember praying more this past year than in my whole life. I would pray while cooking, while in the shower, while changing diapers, while driving around. I definitely learned the meaning of pray without ceasing. What was I praying for? God's will! It is a very difficult thing to get into a PHD program. Something I know that I personally would never be able to do. We spent so much money on application fees sending out applications to five diffrent schools. I remember when March came around it was about time to start hearing from the schools. One after another, NO, NO, NO, NO. I remember laying on the floor crying out to God "is this really what you have for us?" It is so hard sometimes to just sit still, trust God and wait. I truly believe that the Lord streached my faith further than it has ever been streached before. He wanted to make sure he was the one to get the glory if Brandon was to get into a PHD program. When we got word that Brandon was accepted to Calvin, I remember falling on the floor face down crying and the only thing that could come out of my mouth was "Praise God Praise God Praise God." I knew this was God will.

This was not the only time the Lord streached my faith. When we moved to Deerfield for his THM our lives were thrown into a whirlwind. I had just had Daniel. I was learning how to be a mom, and my husband was gone most of the time. He worked two jobs, one at UPS starting at 3 in the morning. He was in class, on the computer, reading books, at work, or in bed. I never thought that I could be so lonely even though my husband was in the house with me. Don't get me wrong Brandon did the best he could. I am suprised he kept up with all that he did. It was just hard to get used to the idea that he needed to divide his attention between his family, work and school. These programs demand so much attention. I had no friends to turn to in Deerfield. I tried to make some friends. I just did not fit in. Most of the wives worked so that thier husbands could be in school. I was one of the only stay at home mom's I knew. I was lonely for some companionship. Of course whenever you are in a downtime in your life you can count on the great deceiver to be right there trying to convince you of things that were not true. I struggled with thoughts of wishing I had never married a student, with thinking that if only Brandon loved me more he would put down that stupid book and tell me I was beautiful. I was hurt by the fact that his school was more important than me. I was hurt that he would drag me to a new place and then ignore me. I had to fight so many diffrent feelings that Satan was putting into my head. I remember one Sunday at church the Lord got a hold of my heart and for the first time I saw the big picture. I saw the reason why Brandon had such a passion for schooling. I saw that he desired to teach the word of God and in order to fulfill this high calling he wanted to make sure he was ready. The Lord took hold my heart and comforted me, and at the same time made me feel so horrible for having so many awful selfish thoughts. I realized that after all of this schooling, Brandon will be ready to train people to go out and preach the gospel. That is what this is all about. Not books, and papers... the gospel if Jesus Christ. He will be training men who will then go out and train others, and they will train others, and so on and so on and so on. The word of the Lord will be spread all over, and the Lord is just wanting to use our family as part of his work. What a privillege not a burdon. That day I cried in my room for a long time. I felt so ashamed that I was complaining about being used by God. I begged God for forgivness and asked the Lord to help me to never lose focus again. Praise the Lord for never giving up on his children. For always molding them and shaping them. For streaching thier faith so that they can become more life himself. This is what the Lord has done in my life over the last three years. This is what I hope he continues to do for the rest of my life. This is why I am proud to say I am married to a "lifetime student"... I am a proud seminary wife.